That got you excited didn’t it? Yep, it’s probably the one thing nearly all women are obsessed with finding an answer to.
And I doubt this article will give you all the answers you’re looking for.
But perhaps it will give you a little insight into what goes through a man’s mind( or some) when they cheat.
Personally I’ve always maintained that cheating has more to do with a mans unwillingness to control his sexual desires than nearly half of the “tangible” reasons people have attempted to give.
And it’s not a “man” thing either, women are equally guilty of it, contrary to popular belief.
Just like the perception that boys like blue and girls like pink, or that girls cry and men don’t; this is also another narrative forced on all of us that we’ve come to believe and accept.
But here’s the thing, it’s people that cheat period.
Don’t believe me? Hear from the LGTB community, lesbians get cheated on by their partners as much as straight girls by their boyfriends and vice versa.
And they all cheat for the same reason, because they want to, and are willing to risk losing what they have for it.
So it’s never a mistake, neither do their minds go blank in the moment; it’s conscious choice they make.
And as much as they may want to believe that their actions don’t mean they love their partners any less or don’t care about losing them, thier willingness to gamble with their relationship contradicts this belief.
Because infidelity has a ripple effect; on the couple, children (if they have any), family, friends, work and anyone who’s in one way or the other a part of that union.
So it really boils down to your principles and if the person is worth the risk and drama that may unfold.
Attractions outside of relationships are nothing normal, acting on it on the other hand, is a choice.
For instance, I’m more than ok with being with one partner at a time, because I appreciate commitment and I’m unwilling to jeopardize my relationship over what could be nothing.
If I’m unhappy with myself or the relationship I’m in, I know I have the choice to either work on it(that is if they want to) or walk out, which makes more sense to me.
And I know it’s easy to assume I feel this way because I’m a woman; after all, we’re supposed to be “naturally” more faithful right?
But I’ve had conversations with enough men to know that many live by these principles as well.
The only reason reason infidelity is usually associated with men is because of the entitlement they’ve been raised to think they have.
The privilege of patriarchy gives them the illusion that it’s in their “nature” to be with multiple women and that’s why they’re more confident and open about it.
And because of this they’ve turned sex into nothing more than a sport, a way to get some form of “release”, and believe it doesn’t mean anything if they don’t want it to.
A sad misconception that we have to work on changing.
Also the concept of infidelity as I’ve stated isn’t limited to any gender,dispite the claims, and neither is it only based on sex. (but I’ll share my ever evolving views on the topic in another post)
Today, however, blogger Kwadjo Panyin of The African Bachelor ;gives a perspective on the subject that’s rarely ever looked at.
And his insights are deeper than the usual what you could or couldn’t have done to prevent it, the victim blaming and also the realities of aftermath.
If you’ve ever been cheated on, this is definitely for you.
And this might not bring the conversation to an end, but we maybe getting somewhere with the “Great Debate”.
He writes ;
Have I cheated on a woman before? I sure have! Will I ever cheat on a woman again? I would like to say no but not with a hundred percent certainty.
I have been agonizing over the decision to write about this subject for a while. I usually take a day, maybe two to write a blog however, it has taken a month to sit, deliberate and write about this topic. Over the course of the year, I have had six close female friends share their painful experiences with cheating spouses or boyfriends. In a span of three months, I have received dozens of emails from female readers who have shared their cheating experiences. A heart breaking conversation with a close childhood friend gave me the needed thrust to finally complete this piece. She suffered bouts of severe depression as a result of infidelity and in her struggle, I realized that I needed to write this piece to give some insight about cheating from a man’s perspective.
I am not a saint. After all, I have cheated. I am not here to chastise my brethren who cheat neither am I here to decry the perils of cheating. I am here in an attempt to answer the top questions most women ask when faced with infidelity. I will attempt to answer by pointing out the two reasons which, I believe leads most men to cheat.
Once upon a time I got caught when I cheated on my girlfriend. Needless to say we are exes now. She picked up a call on my cell phone while I was taking the garbage out. I walked back in to my apartment to find her on my phone talking to the girl I was with the night before. Her facial expression was enough to apprise me of the fact that I had been B-U-S-T-E-D! She hung up, sat down on the couch and started sobbing uncontrollably and all the while, she repeated two questions over and over again.
What did I do to deserve this? Why me?
I recall wondering why she was blaming herself. I was responsible for hurting her and I was standing right in front of her. Why was she not asking me first why I cheated? Why was she asking about what she did wrong? Honestly, she did absolutely nothing wrong. I respected and admired her. Till today I do not even hesitate to state that I cared deeply about her. Despite how I felt about her, I still cheated on her.
It is important to note that the reason why a man cheats mostly has nothing to do with you. A man’s cheating has nothing to do with how beautiful, smart and sexy you are, how great you are in bed, how great a wife or how great a mother you are to his kids. I know a lot of men who took a step down in looks, personality, intelligence, etc. when they cheated. If you have been cheated on, I do understand that it is going to be very tempting to feel really bad about yourself or think that he is unhappy with you. Take it from me that most men do not cheat because they found someone better. It is a total waste of time to worry if he found someone more beautiful or someone who treats him better than you do. That said, I believe most men cheat for two reasons.
Reason number one is very simple; it is a new adventure. It is thrilling and exciting. It is a new and fresh woman. It is a new body to explore and a different sexual experience. That’s all there is to it.
The second reason why most men cheat is because they are unhappy with themselves. Simply stated.
Most magazines give a variety of reasons as to why men cheat. The excuses range from women paying more attention to their kids than their husbands to women gaining weight or letting themselves go after marriage. Most of these reasons are valid. However, cheating from the perspective of a man is not that complicated. There is no science or method as to why a man cheats. There is no excuse good enough to explain away cheating.
I cheated because it was a new woman and a totally different experience from what I was used to for over a year. I did not cheat because I was unhappy with my girlfriend at the time. Ladies, think of it this way. How does it feel to slip into a new dress? How does it feel to put on those new and expensive shoes you just bought? How does it feel to take that new purse out to a party for the first time? You have other dresses, other shoes, other purses. Yet, you experience a rush and excitement just by trying on something new.
I am not suggesting that men look at women as material objects. I am suggesting that men love the same excitement of trying something new when it comes to sex. Sex in this case is purely physical for most men. Most men may portray a loving relationship with a side chick but I can assure you that it is mostly physical. It is worth remembering that sexual variety is in some way, normal for a man. His drive to seek out a new or multiple partners has very little to do with emotional attachment. He just wants to try on something new and exciting.
Most men cheat because they are unhappy with themselves. I can’t state enough that it is never because of who you are as a person. That is a myth. There are a number of reasons why a man may be unhappy with himself in a relationship. It may be that he is unhappy with his career or he is having problems with those higher up at work. Maybe he regrets marrying at a young age and robbing himself of the opportunity to sow his wild oats. He may be stressed out due to bad finances and his inability to be a provider and of course, there is always the possibility that he is unhappy because of you. Some men who are unhappy in a relationship find it difficult to talk about their problems. Most men do not want to be seen as weak so they try to resolve their unhappiness on their own. An outlet to relief their stress may sound very appealing with repeated failure. That said, a man who is unhappy with himself may cheat because the new adventure brings a physical or emotional lift that makes them feel temporarily better about himself.
I will share an advice I offer to most of my female friends who have been cheated on. I always tell them to remember that their responsibility is to themselves first, not to the relationship. It is imperative that their sanity and happiness become a priority. Think about what forgiveness does for you, not for him. Cheating permanently breaks the trust needed to carry on a healthy relationship. A fact that men already know and understand perfectly. The burden to make things right is therefore on the man who cheated, not you.
I tell my male friends whose partners have forgiven them for cheating not to become saintly and suddenly force to rebuild trust.
Trying to get a woman to totally trust you again after you cheat on her is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube.
Forgiving a cheater and trying to rebuild trust in a relationship is incredibly difficult. A couple who experience infidelity feel the repercussions and bear the scars for a long, long time.
Ladies, a man cheating on you does not mean your life is ruined indefinitely. I find it incredibly unfair for a woman to feel as if she did something terribly wrong when a man cheats on her. It hurts and it feels totally crappy, I get that. However, it is harder for a man to own up to his mistake when you keep asking what you did wrong. The two reasons I discussed in this piece are not excuses for men to cheat. The two reasons given is my attempt to help you understand why a man cheats and have you stop pointing the accusing finger at yourself when cheating occurs.
Source: Lydia Forson/facebook
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